Low Sex Drive
For 80% of the women who seek Sex Therapy, the presenting complaint is Low Sex Drive (LSD) or Inhibited Sexual Desire (ISD.) It used to be considered a female "problem" but now almost as many men as women complain of low sex drive.
Couples used to have sex on average of 2.2 times a week. Today, if they are lucky, once a week is the norm.
There can be many reasons. Professional therapists will assess whether the decreased sex drive is the result of:
1. DINTS - Double Income, No Time for Sex. With both partners working, the demands of children and aging parents, finances, job insecurity, many couples would rather just sleep than have a romp in the sack.
2. Sex is boring, partner may be inconsiderate or unresponsive.
3.Unresolved anger, resentment and hostility in the relationship. If she is thoroughly po'd at him, if she feels that she is doing the lion's share of child care and housework, she is unlikely to be a sex kitten in bed. On the other hand if she pranged the car and blew the budget, he may find it difficult to become aroused and have sex.
4. If they have never established "clues", subtle little hints that "tonight's the night," if she feels like a slut for indicating that she is horny, or if he feels like an oversexed pervert implying that sex would be fun on Sunday morning, then they will both miss out.
5. If either is withholding sex to punish the other for some perceived injustice such as an affair.
6. Fear of an unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease such as warts or herpes. Or fear that the kids will barge in. Fear that he will hurt her during or after a pregnancy.
7. Guilt, if either has been involved in an outside relationship.
8. Sometimes one partner is simply turned off by sex.
9. Depression or anxiety.
10. After the birth of a baby, her sex drive does not come back, or he was so traumatized by pregnancy and delivery that he just does not want to touch his partner.
11. They love their partner, love hugging as long as it does not result in that "copulatory gaze" and the feelings of rejection if it is not returned.
12. Medications such as antidepressants, sedatives, high blood pressure medication, conditions such as diabetes, stroke, heart condition or Spinal Cord Injury.
13. Male or female sexual abuse, either past or present.
14. One partner may be turned off if their partner has gained a great deal of weight or has poor personal hygiene, shower, brush their teeth etc.
15. Your hormone levels may be changing. You can get your doctor to check this.
All of these problems can be resolved with help from a professional. So, don't throw in the towel. Your sex life is like any other skill - work at it and it will get better. Counselling and learning better communication skills will help. (See the section on Couple Therapy)